Sometimes life throws us curveballs and that is not
necessarily my favorite thing about life. Sure, life is very unpredictable and
often hurts. I have some very good friends who I know I can count on when life
gets rough. I don’t have many, but the ones that I do have proven that they are
dependable and have been there for me whenever times get rough. Not all
friendships last forever and that is one of my least favorite things about
life. There is one very special girl that God brought into my life named Jen.
Jen was probably my closest friend out of all of them. The reason I’m writing
about this is because I need to try to get my feelings out because I’m
depressed and maybe writing about it will help.
Jen and I met seven months ago on Facebook. I went to a
treatment home in 2008 and she went to the same treatment home in 2009 so I
never got to meet her. Jen posted in the Mercy Girls group on Facebook and I
commented on it. She added me as a friend and we started talking. We exchanged
phone numbers and we talked literally everyday. It might be over text, over
Facebook or a phone call – we would talk either way. We had some of the
greatest conversations. She was so incredibly sweet. Quite shortly after I met
her, I remember she got into a car accident and no one believed me, but I knew
it was the truth. I called my best friend in Minnesota and cried because I was
so afraid that Jen wouldn’t make it. She turned out to be perfectly fine, no
lasting effects from the accident. I helped her through a lot of things in her
life and she helped me through a lot of things in my life. The real turning
point began when she moved to California. She called me because she didn’t know
what to do…she wasn’t sure if she should go because she had no where to stay
but if she didn’t go she’d be out all the money she paid for the plane ticket.
I told her to go and so she did.
She first arrived in Arizona and she got mad at me
because I wasn’t reading the Bible (LOL) and so she left me for a couple weeks.
She promised that it wouldn’t be forever and that she would “check up” on me
periodically to see how I was doing. During her first “check up,” God told her
to stay so she did. We resumed our normal talking everyday. While our talking
everyday, she moved to California. I’m not going to go into all the detail of
everything that happened there, but there were quite a few things that I’ll
always remember: the abusive pastor’s wife, 5th street, climbing a
mountain, etc. Her main reason for moving to California was to start her
ministry: The Leah Project. We found out that Leah was trapped under an
abandoned barn and Jen literally slept in that filthy barn for a month just to
keep Leah company. She also left me again, but that wasn’t because of anything
I did. She was going to do this ministry program and the people going through
it weren’t allowed to use their phones. After finding out it was more cult-ish
than anything, Jen left. Man, was I ever excited to have her back!!!
During all this, Jen promised me that she would never
leave me again, like she did the first time. She even sent me a text that said,
“I will NEVER EVER leave you, no matter what, you’ve got me for life.” I
believed her and let my guard down and trusted her. That was my mistake –
trusting her. Anyway, later on we found out that Leah got free, but Jen has not
been able to get in touch with Leah since her rescue. It’s okay though because
we know Leah is free, safe and doing okay. I know that Jen was really hurting
and in a very unsafe situation so I said, “You know, you should just come visit
me.” We talked about it and we decided that’s what we would do. She contacted
her friend to purchase her a bus ticket. She came over right after school. When
I say after school, I mean after school. I came home from school on Wednesday and
she came over on Friday.
My mom and I picked her up at the bus station. The minute
I saw her, I knew it was her and I was beyond excited. I was flipping out
inside, but I was trying my best to keep my composure. She spent 10 fun-filled
days at my house. We had such a blast!!! We watched a lot of movies, played
games, played Mad Libs on-line, went to my church, went to Passion, went to the
mall and just talked. We had a couple fights, but they didn’t last more than 5
minutes. After a few minutes, I would apologize and she would forgive me. They
never lasted long. During our movies, she would even lay on my stomach and I
would play with her hair because I know that provided comfort and it made her
feel better. After she left my house, she went to Maryland and then back to
California. I told her not to worry about having a place to stay and that God
would provide. She slept in the airport for a quite a while and during that
time, I said that she should apply to Lee. She was skeptical, but agreed to.
She actually got accepted the next day and Lee was pretty much giving her
everything free, except tuition, which would be covered by her financial aid. I
was so excited to have her at school with me. After a while, a cop found Jen
sleeping in the airport and kicked her out and she was homeless again, on the
streets. I said I could help her pay for a hotel room, but it wouldn’t be for
very long – then she’d be homeless again. I spent hours calling homeless
shelters but either they didn’t answer the phone or weren’t the right ones for her. The
only thing that I knew to do was call the police so I did.
A policeman went to where Jen was and ended up finding
her a transitional housing place and she now has her own apartment for two
years for FREE!!! We still talked everyday and we still got along wonderfully.
The turning point in our friendship happened when my parents went on a
honeymoon vacation to Savannah, GA. That Saturday, Jen and I got into a fight
because after all the doors God opened, she was closing them on Him. I kind of yelled at her and attacked
her a little bit and therefore, she hung up on me. So I started crying because
I was really upset. I was talking to Melissa’s husband, Matthew when my cousin
arrived at my house. He basically said that because Jen loves God and I love
hanging around her, that I should keep her around. During dinner, I texted Jen
and she finally agreed to talk to me. After I got home, I called her and we
talked for nearly an hour and a half. I apologized, told her that I supported her
in whatever she did and that I loved her. She forgave me, said she loved me and
thanked me for supporting her.
The following Monday, Jen texted me and told me that
because of the recent attacks, she wanted to “take a break” from me again. It
would be like the first break, without the periodic check-ups. I didn’t like
the idea. She needed time to heal from the recent attacks (which I only
remember the one), but I still didn’t like the idea. I had the feeling in the
back of my head that this would be the same as losing her and I couldn’t let
that happen. I agreed, but I said, “If you aren’t going to talk to me then I’m
not going to let you talk to Leah either.” She said that if I didn’t let her
talk to Leah, then I would be saying “no” to God, since God has chosen me to have
Leah speak through. I let her talk to Leah anyway, even if I didn’t want
to. Later that week, on like Wednesday
or Thursday, Jen went missing. She wasn’t really missing, but she wasn’t speaking
to me and she gave her phone to her friend and said, “Keep it,” then left. He
called their mutual friend and that’s who she was with. She called me that
night and we talked for about 20 minutes. I again apologized for attacking her
about leaving me and she forgave me and said we were going to start over and I
promised her no more attacks.
Friday night, she texted me and told me that she decided
not to go to Lee University because she was where she was for a reason and she
was dealing with a family emergency. I figured it had something to do with her “sisters,”
because that’s really her only family besides me and Leah. She finally said, “I
have a dead sister here.” My initial thought was Jessica because she and I both
know that Jessica is struggling and having some issues. I asked what sister and
she said, “Jess.” I knew it and since I believed her, I told her I was really
sorry and that I’d be praying for her. She thanked me, but also said that she didn’t
really care since Jessica never contacted her. I thought that was weird, but oh
well. She said that she was only there for other people and was comforting her
other sister and her niece – cause they couldn’t handle it. I said I’d be
praying. Then while Jen was talking to Leah, I looked on Jessica’s facebook
page and she had just posted 2 hours ago and I asked Jen about it and she said
Jessica’s facebook got hacked into and she just never made a new one. I didn’t
believe that for a second and then I checked an hour or so later and Jessica
had posted 15 minutes ago. She was definitely alive.
I did some detective work. I looked in the Maryland
obituaries and her name was not there. I thought about adding Jessica as a
friend just to see what would happen. She accepted and then I messaged her and
told her what was going on. Jessica told me that she was alive and that Jen was a
good person but she has a problem with lying. Then she said that the reason she
doesn’t contact her anymore is because she doesn’t want to deal with her drama
anymore. When Jen found out that I contacted her sister, she was livid!!! She
said that I crossed a boundary that I never should’ve crossed, but I know how
friends are and friends care about each other’s families. I care about all of
Jen’s sisters: Jessica, Nichole and Mikaela. I don’t really know them, but
because Jen cares about them; then I do too. Jen just went off the deep end and
told me that I was toxic, that God can’t use me, that all I ever do is attack
her, that I have no friends, that I was a liar and a manipulator amongst many
other things. It’s funny that she said all I ever do is attack her when I
received a text that said, “I’m glad God brought us together and I don’t know
what I’d do without the love and support you’ve given to me unconditionally
throughout this journey I’ve been on.” So she knows that I love and support her
and I always will.
She “ended” our friendship and that’s when I think it
fully ended, but I’m not one to easily let people go or let people go at all.
So I fought her on it, I tried everything in my power. She told me that God
told her to let me go, but God told me to not leave her…so what am I supposed
to do? I believe she will eventually come around. Remember she said I have her
for life – then again, she told me she never should’ve promised that. She told
me that she wouldn’t talk to me until I spent an entire year in a residential
Christian counseling program and I refused, but then I was willing to try it if
it meant that she would talk to me. I didn’t really think I needed it, I just
needed counseling but not residential counseling. I told her that I would go to
His Mansion and that it would hopefully heal our relationship. Wednesday she
said, “I have a proposal…” She said that since the next intake was in
September, she would talk to me till then. She said, “It won’t be everyday nor
every week and it won’t be anything like it was before.” I was being very sweet
that day and she said that the niceness seemed fake. I agreed because under the
circumstances it probably would seem a little fake, but I assured her that it
wasn’t fake. She said, “I don’t even know why I’m trying anymore” and I said, “Maybe
it’s a God-thing.” She said, “I don’t think it’s a God thing because I’m going
completely against Him right now because He told me to let you go."
Thursday morning she said that she caught me in another
lie…that my friend’s daughter was never missing. I said that she can’t blame
that one on me because I was just repeating what I heard. She said that wasn’t
what annoyed her, the lie was that God gave me visions of her. I said, “Well,
all I saw was some little blonde girl. It could’ve been any little blonde girl.
I assumed it was her daughter because we’ve been talking a lot about her but it
could’ve really been any child.” I didn’t see her face very clearly in the visions
that I had seen. So Jen hasn’t talked to me since and she said we are
completely over but I refuse to believe it. Here are a few texts I got from her that makes me believe that we are just not done yet:
1. "If
they’re not a friend, why would it matter what they think of you? You’re
beautiful & you’re awesome & you’re caring & loving. If they don’t
want to be in your life, then it’s their problem, they’re missing out."
2. "I
never had any doubts at all about that one. I think it was very clear from day
1. You love people despite all the hurt and pain you’ve had, you’re like me, we
still love as if we’ve never been hurt. That’s what I love about you."
3. "You
have more strength in you that is so powerful you don’t even realize you have
it. I can see Jesus radiating inside your heart as each day passes by. He’s all
over you girl, even in the midst of trials you go through."
4. "I
cant tell you how much I love you so much. I thank God He’s brought us together
because I don’t know what I’d do without your love & support that you’ve given
me unconditionally throughout this journey I’ve been on. I’m NEVER EVER leaving
you no matter what you’ve got me for life. I need you more than ever now &
I know that you’re never leaving me nor will you ever stop believing in me. I
also believe in you as well. We are both destined for GREATNESS IN THE LORD."
Plus when she says things like "Erin, I missed you so much" or "Do you know how much I love you?" I just know God’s not done with us
yet and she’ll come around. I just keep praying for reconciliation.
